Fibre Enriched Goodness
by Grievous daydreamer
Summary: There are many ways to kill people with food. Poisoning, choking, not tipping the waiter, the works. But Tobi may have gotten the wrong idea...and Deidara's his test subject! Oneshot.


This ficlet was inspired by mine and Claire's Tobi bagel dance. Blame what they put in the noodles in Yamamori. Hope it gives you a laugh, or at least melts your brain for a couple of minutes. :D Baaaaagels…!

Fibre Enriched Goodness

"Tobi, what are you eating…?"

"Hn? It's called a bagel, Deidara-sempai. Wanna try?"

Deidara pulled a face.

"It looks like a donut sandwich…un."

Tobi face was unreadable under his orange mask, but his voice was laced with amusement.

"Deidara-sempai is ignorant of Western food!"

A vein pulsed in Deidara's temple.

"Tobi, you can't even get Western food here!"

Then in an afterthought, he added, "And I'm not ignorant, un."

"Tobi knows someone! Does sempai want a bagel all for himself? It's full of grainy goodness!"

Deidara simply stared at his partner and his bizarre lunch.

"Uh…no thanks, Tobi…Allergic, un."

Tobi's tone of voice went up an octave.

"Allergic? Allergic to grainy goodness? How?"

Deidara threw his eyes up to heaven.

"I don't know… a lot of people are, okay? Now get that thing out of my face, un!" he threatened, left hand fingering the moist clay in his satchel. Tobi was, naturally, oblivious.

"Okay, sempai! Tobi doesn't want sempai to get sick!"

"Whatever, un. Let's go."

There was a small explosion and Deidara's handmade (no pun intended) bird multiplied in size. The Iwa missing nin quickly jumped on it, Tobi hurriedly grabbed hold of the tail before it took off.

They flew through the air in silence for the first minute or two, to Deidara's relief. But he knew it couldn't last, and right on cue-

"Hmm…"

Deidara chose to ignore this.

"Hmm…mmm…nuh-uh."

Deidara tried drowning him out by screaming loudly in his head.

"Hmmmmmmmm…umm…ah!"

It didn't work. Deidara glanced over his shoulder. Tobi was sitting cross-legged on the bird's tail, stroking his chin and trying – in Deidara's cynical opinion- to look thoughtful. Deidara 'tched' and looked away, thinking of all the different ways he could kill Tobi using C3, a cliff and several deranged cats.

"Sempai?"

Deidara whirled around.

"What?!"

Tobi tilted his head innocently, but Deidara's eyes only narrowed further.

"What happens if you eat allergy-causing grainy goodness?"

A second later and Tobi was travelling - very far and very fast – towards a group of yowling tortoiseshells.

Later…

"Sempai! Sempai!"

Deidara groaned and stopped eating. No matter how many times he tried to get Tobi to take the hint, that he wanted to be left _alone_, it never worked. Worse, the hyperactive kid always came back fine from whatever Deidara had thrown at him. It just wasn't fair. He shifted on his chair and continued to pick at his tempura, appetite gone. Tobi drew up a chair and sat beside him, getting a strange look from the waitress.

"Sempai, sempai – remember Tobi was talking about allergies earlier?"

Deidara grunted, eyes fixed on his lukewarm tea. Tobi carried on regardless.

"Well Tobi had an idea. Wait here, I'll show you Tobi's idea!"

He was gone again. Deidara looked up, one eyebrow cocked. He took a bite of his deep fried plaice, then the chopsticks fell from his fingers and clattered against the plate. Tobi came running back, brandishing what could only be described as a 5-foot wide bagel. He was obviously ecstatic, and he started talking rapidly in an even higher voice than earlier. Deidara didn't take a single word in, he was acutely aware of everyone in the tempura shop staring at them.

"-be really allergic to this and die!" finished Tobi, pride shining in his one visible eye.

Deidara slowly brought his eyes up to spear Tobi with a death glare. He slammed his fists on the table and stood up.

"You idiot Tobi! We're supposed to be keeping a low profile – and what the hell is _that_ supposed to do?!"

Tobi's eye closed in an unmistakable smile.

"It's a weapon, Deidara-sempai."

The other customers started muttering in alarm. Deidara glanced around, cursing under his breath. Tobi jumped up and down in excitement, keeping a firm grip on his bagel.

"Yay! Tobi has an audience! Audience, do you want to see what Bagel-san does?"

The muttering grew more pronounced and a couple of people screamed as Tobi held his prize above his head. Deidara clapped a hand on his forehead protector. One of the chefs stepped out of the kitchen, hands in the air.

"Please sir, don't – we don't want any trouble."

Tobi turned to face him. The chef swallowed but stood his ground. Tobi smiled again.

"It's no trouble, Tobi likes doing it!"

The chef blanched.

"Wha-?"

"Here I come, Deidara-sempai!"

Tobi jumped into the air, bagel held high. Deidara grabbed fistfuls of his clay.

"Tobi! If you come near me with that-!"

Several customers got up and ran for the door, screaming hysterically. The waitress and chef dived into the kitchen. Tobi was practically beaming through his mask.

"Here I goooo!"

Deidara's mouths chomped on the clay.

Tobi landed, making the sign of the snake. He held the bagel like a shuriken and cried,

"Baaaaagel…!"

He did a strange sort of dance, and with a pose that would put Tokyo Mew Mew to shame, flung the bagel at Deidara. Deidara's four winged bird zoomed towards it and he leaped back.

"Katsu!"

It exploded – creating a large hole in the ceiling but missed the bagel.

Carried by the force of the bang, the bagel sailed over tables and straight towards the blonde-haired Akatsuki. Deidara swerved to avoid it – but too late.

Tobi leaned out; peering at the scene like a psychotic butcher might peer at Jaws.

Deidara's arms were stuck; a wide ring of hard, fibre enriched dough pinning them to his sides. Needless to say, Tobi squealed like a three year old.

"It worked! It worked! See sempai? Allergies are dangerous!"

Deidara struggled violently, glad that the shop was practically empty. The bagel started toasting from the sheer murderous intent in his chakra.

"Tobi! If those mayonnaise stains don't come out_, I'm going to kill you!"_


End file.
